Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
