where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
