I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
