we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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