so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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