My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
