Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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