Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize