I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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