I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
