You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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