That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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