Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
