I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Sext me about skeletons
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
