I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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