I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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