based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
