I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
