that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
