so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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