A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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