Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
