Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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