I would go down on you faster than GM stock
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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