make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
