Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
