I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
