The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
