I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
