listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
