she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Let's get the cat blown out
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize