Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Shame - the story of my life.
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