I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
