im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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