Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize