your thong is hanging out like whoa
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
