Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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