My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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