Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize