I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
