She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
