I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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