Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
