Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Maybe he injected his testicle?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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