You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
