and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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