if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Operation Purity has been aborted
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize