Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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