you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize