I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
