the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
