So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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