Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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