I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
