i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
